Fighting To Get Through

Sometimes I think I jinx myself. My last post was how things were starting to get better. I guess with life changing events nothing is ever just completely stable or perfect. On Friday I went to my favorite school supply store to have somethings laminated and of course I had to buy a book to teach C and A how to color, cut and paste. Yes, I always buy something in that store. Anyway, I'm friends with ladies who work there and we always chat a little when I'm there. The last time I was in we talked about the upcoming ultrasound (okay, it is silly to tell everyone but hey I was excited and didn't think there was anything to fear). When I went in I was hoping no one would say anything. The girl remembered and so I had to tell her that the baby had died. My stomach drops and my heart hurts everytime. It wasn't her fault and she was very kind but, it is very uncomfortable and sad to have to recount everything. Then, yesterday E and I decided to go to the Salt Lake Temple to preform work by proxy for the ancestors of members of the LDS church. I have had amazing and spiritual experiences in the temple and was hoping to feel the spirit of my baby there. The whole thing started off rough. I handed my temple recommend to the man at the front desk and he asked if I was expecting (unfortunately I still look 4 or 5 months pregnant) and it felt like a knife in my heart. I kindly replied that the baby had died and that is why I was there. That sweet old man's eyes looked a bit teary and he kept saying he was sorry and then told me his daughter was going through the same thing. It was hard to start off crying. I went into the dressing room to change into my white dress and softly cried as I was changing. I also prayed to God that no one else would ask (luckily the dress isn't form fitting so you can't see my big belly) and no one else did. As the night progressed I felt peace and happiness and was looking forward to some quiet/reflecting time in the Celestial room. When I entered the Celestial room it was quite noisy. For my friends who don't know the Celestial room is supposed to be very quiet and peaceful and people are supposed to whisper so others can meditate. People were whispering but, get enough people whispering and it is very distracting. I was so sad and disappointed and just left feeling irritated and let down. We went to dinner and saw a friend of mine (that was the highlight of my night) then E and I went and picked up the boys from his parents and we all got to bed late. This morning, as a result of no sleep, E and I got into a heated fight and we were grumpy with the kids. Sometimes when we are down it feels like a tsunami of despair hits and I'm trying to hold on and ride the storm but it is hard right now.